Calum Corby's PDP Reflective Journal

I want to pass Photography with a High degree, I’d kill to achieve a 2:1 overall. This is what I aim for.
I want to progress further in my understanding of using photography equipment professionally as well as working on my professional skills, such as communication, organisation, planning and more which I have struggled with for a very long time. It is my hope to fully realise my potential at being independent.
I have ideas which concern teaching others about disabilities, but in visual formats, this idea occurred to me because of how little education people get on disabilities, and how my own personal life shows that if only I had proper access to the right information my life may have been very different. This idea is to show people that disabilities are difficult and hard to manage, but there are some incredibly successful people in the world who have disabilities. One idea I have had for a visual (but overly dramatised) way of showing children what disabilities are like is for example with dyslexia, having strips of clothe with words printed across each of them, a paragraph perhaps which is easily read when the strips are held still, but then each strip will be held by two different people and then shaken around to sort of explain to them how dyslexia can effect people. Obviously this idea would need more thought and discussion with experts and even other sufferers.
I wish to be published with my poetry, however silly this dream might be I feel it is achievable. I began writing a poetry book of fantasy about a year ago which I intend to finish one day.
I might consider trying to write an article to be published explaining how life without a diagnosis has helped me become who I am. How I have always had to push myself further to attempt to become that holy grail of “normality”, which is basically being able to work at the same standard as everyone else around me.

Hopefully I can add to this list eventually to show how much I wish to do with my life.

In five years I see myself established as a photographer, with respect of my peers, and being able to always give my customers and clients the proper quality they deserve.

My Evaluative thoughts on this year of University.

My Evaluative thoughts on this year of University.

It is hard for me to begin. But that has always been my difficulty, beginnings are something that I personally am wired in such a way that it takes me longer than most to begin something. Be that writing down an idea, writing up analysis, or even articulating what I am thinking. This can have adverse effects to photography, as often I’ve decided on an idea, but it is stuck in my mind. Occasionally, I get flustered and that instantly makes it difficult for me to bring forth these ideas and get the proverbial ball rolling during a photoshoot. However, I am getting much better at planning and writing down ideas and being informative in my approach and communication to models and assistants in regards to ideas.

I understand that it may seem that I am slow, but I’m not, I actually think at a much quicker rate than other people, which is what causes quite a lot of the issues. I will explain much more thoroughly what I mean as I go along.

My Name is Calum Corby, I am 21 years old. I was diagnosed with Dyslexia and Aspergers Syndrome in 2011 in the months of May to June but even though I have these disabilities I am independent, I am able to independently study and I do actually do so. Yes I need to ask for help or advice and yes it may seem that I ask for help or go over points again and again. Doggedly seeking the answer that will allow me to understand and move forwards. Often seeking advice and asking for help, is misunderstood with its intentions. I am merely building up what is called “Coping Mechanisms”. Not by constantly plaguing tutors, but by building up an understanding of what is expected of me, how I need to work.

In the last two years I’ve begun to understand and work harder in all areas, be they problematic aspects of my disabilities or just working on keeping myself up to date with work. I feel I’ve done very well to have achieved as much as I have. I will, as ever, continue to grow in my understanding and abilities.

I am like this because of who I am. For years there has been something about me which I’ve always struggled to explain to people. I have talked to friends and family about how I struggle with communication, how I can’t take jokes, or misunderstand sarcasm. How I had to spend my entire life, watching and learning from other people, movies, television and books, about emotions and reactions, and how “normal people” are. I can now tell people I have Aspergers Syndrome, that I am an Aspie, and these are some of the problems I face because of this.

Nobody who doesn’t suffer this disability will ever understand how HARD, it is to have to be ALWAYS aware of your actions, of what you say and how you treat others. People will look at what I’ve written so far and scoff, they will think that it is ridiculous what I’m saying, because everyone has to do these things, everyone has to be aware of themselves. I do not disagree with you but I will say this, other people… “normal people” don’t have to do it every second of every single day of their entire lives. They don’t have to be aware of themselves to quite the same degree. I’ve spent my entire life so far learning to cope with and to be able to deserve the chance to be treated like anyone else, which I am now treated as an equal because of my hard work to get to this stage. It is also better now since I have received a formal diagnosis, as I now am able to show and explain to others the issues I face because of Aspergers. I still have these underlying difficulties though, I will never be rid of them, and honestly… I wouldn’t want to be. I’d love to find ways of coping and working better with them but I’d never trade what is inherently a part of myself.

Many thoughts, reactions, emotions, decisions and other human traits become easy and second nature to most people, all these things are something I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life, I might seem “normal” on the outside, but thats because of years of work that I have put into learning ‘coping mechanisms’ and acting. I say acting because inside, often there is an internal struggle, something which I can not explain or even begin to understand myself.

Unfortunately not any single person will ever be able to see the world through my eyes. You’ll never understand the pain and suffering of feeling like an outcast and a fool, Which I felt for many years as I grew up and was common throughout education. Because I don’t see the world like everyone else, and I CAN’T ever be on the same level as everyone else when it comes to things that should be completely second nature by the time you become a teenager. It is strange to see “normality” all around you, but to never be able to truly fit in. Something I have noticed about myself for years is that I skirt around the edges of groups, but I am unable to feel completely part of any specific group.

This is one interesting issue, and benefit of Aspergers, it allows me to be objective and subjective with strange ideals. A group is where someone fits in, has a role, at least thats what I guess it is. I on the other hand can mingle in and out of groups which allows me to study different behavioural patterns, articulation or even subtle intricacies that others take for granted and don’t notice.
As a photographer this ability to take note of these subtleties have been very much intriguing to me. As my entire life has been spent fascinated by people, humans, how we are, how we act, how we see the world, how people react, how people move, how people kiss, or emote feelings, so many intricacies that fascinate me and drive my passion for photography.

I must also point out that my use of “normal people” is as I lack a better way of describing what I mean. The simple fact is, I am most definitely not normal by societies standards. Therefore I am forced to make a ridiculous statement to explain something. Hence the use of quotation marks to mark this out as explanative use of words rather than absolute fact.

Looking in depth at the course itself, the difficulties that have occurred for me over the last two years at university and in my personal life, as well as what I personally feel would be effective and positive ways of helping me move forwards and improve the way I work.

The last two years have been a massive struggle for me. My entire life I always had my parents as my protectors, my guardian angels, my safety net. They spent so very long fighting against the education system to get me the support I needed so that I could achieve at the same standard as others.

Interestingly, when I began at university the first day seemed so easy. It was a new start and I could be anyone I wanted to be, I could create a whole new persona if I chose to. But I didn’t, I remained who I have always been. I didn’t want to lie or act or deceive anyone, I realised that this was my chance to finally be me. The person I’ve spent my entire life trying to show everyone.

But I struggled, I really struggled to fit in still. When I say fit in, I don’t mean in the normal sense of it. I mean I just couldn’t find a way of making friends. Of being able to open up a conversation and show people that I’m one of those people who is worth being friends with. I really struggle at making friends because of how hard it is for me to approach people sometimes, and to begin a conversation. I am ever looking for the way to find common ground with someone else.

However, with retrospect I realise that at the time, as hard as I tried I was still suffering, so I didn’t try hard enough, in a way I was forcibly remaining somewhat isolated. My mind was still attached to what I believe was the ideal of thinking about two people’s futures, I was only just starting to really be able to get past that and able to think of myself and how I am going to achieve my hopes, dreams and goals in life. It was a time of a Massive re-evaluation of everything that I believed in.

I slowly began to make friends, which allowed me to move forwards and breach the rest of the friendship groups springing up around me. It is deeply fascinating to me that when I look back I notice the diversity of the friends that I have. There is nothing more powerful or even more inspiring to have literally opposing personalities within your friend group. It is incredibly humbling to be able to see that difference and how each and every one of them effect you in different ways. Similarly the same thing has happened this year, although It has greatly helped me having friends who were able to move on to the second year, and be given the chance to start again in year one where I have made many amazing new friends. Who all individually add to a collective. It is fascinating how their different intricacies all give me a very good chance to study human nature in more depth as I have done throughout my entire life.

University to begin with felt so very refreshing, the freedom, the way which you are constantly being made to think beyond your comfort zone. Because of my Aspergers at that time my comfort zone was so very limited, but since it has been broadened so very rapidly. Especially because I now actually have a diagnosis of this condition, it has allowed me to attempt to fix any issues I have, to be able to explain properly to people from now on, about who I am, why I am like this and explain how it has effected me or still effects me.

The first year at university in concerns to course work was difficult. The idea of complete and total independent study appeals to me greatly. The idea to have that much freedom is amazing. But it is completely different to how I had been taught all my life, so much in my education had been straight forward and rigid, because it guides you through everything. At university, It is vastly different. You see, guiding yourself is difficult with Aspergers Syndrome. There are lots of reasons for this. Which I’m sure will be covered within this blog. But to put it simply. I have an erratic mind, I think so quickly sometimes that I’m half way through one thought before I jump onto another one, which often leads to a little bit of confusion. In a way, it is a logical mind, making things very complicated because it is thinking illogically, not thinking through one thing at a time but seeing everything all at once and not being able to pick one thing out as most important to be thought about first.

This is why when it came to Uni, there are a number of reasons things didn’t get done correctly in the first year. For all my life I had support for all aspects of my issues. I was given a Statement of Education at a young age which allowed me to get some support in many areas that I struggled with. But obviously with this help I managed to achieve in an incredibly positive way throughout my educational studies.

By the time I got to Uni, I thought I was incredibly independent and that I could get the help I needed again with ease. However, I was so busy that I kept getting distracted from being able to speak with and ask for help from the student support. I didn’t finally get to speak with and start the ball rolling till November 2010. Unfortunately it took a further 3-4months or more to find out that my Statement wasn’t enough evidence of needing support. The time it took to actually get anything done or sorted out was so frustrating.

After speaking with one of my tutors, Mike, about my concerns that I may suffer from Aspergers Syndrome, they suggested that it sounded like I had dyslexia. Which after also speaking to a Second year at the time, John I think, he also confirmed that it sounded like I had Dyslexia, as he himself didn’t realise he had it till he had looked into it further. I went to student support with these concerns and that really got the ball rolling. From then on we began the testing for Dyslexia, which allowed me to go further on to the full psychologist examination. I also took care of and was completely driven to find out if I suffered from Aspergers Syndrome on my own. I went outside of University to a charitable organisation called Aspergers East Anglia, based close to the university.

After a battle through an entire year, with tutors not fully understanding the pressures I was facing or of what I was trying to fix in regards to my lack of support. Having a safety net all your life being stripped away from you forcing you to be an adult is incredibly hard…. Even more so for someone with Aspergers, because of it being a life long debilitating disability. I was so very frustrated by this, I was also suffering horrendous depression due to some personal issues, which was exacerbated by all the stress of trying to get the help I needed, and found it so hard to manage my time properly and to achieve well within this course.

I failed unit 2 and 3 of the first year in 2011, due to having very little support and such horrible depression, plus many other reasons. My godsends that year were Mike, Ben, Tony and Stephen Carver. They helped me so much. Always words of kindness and helping me when I was in a panic, especially always managing to calm me down in many situations.

After finally seeing the people at Aspergers East Anglia and doing an Autism-Spectrum quotient test. This consists of having an interview with them, where you talk about different aspects of your life. Then they give you the test to answer on your own. The score you need to get to be eligible to go further and be examined by a Educational Psychologist is 32 on this test. I don’t know why, but I am betting that its due to my Dyslexia, but I failed this test at first. But the man at the Aspergers East Anglia Amended my results based on the conversation we’d had about my life beforehand. This put me up to 32 and pushed me onwards with trying to get a diagnosis finally.

It’s strange looking back on all of this. It seems so negative how I’m writing it. But it was negative, it was a horrible experience. Can you imagine having pretty much no help what so ever anymore. But look at how much I did to try to sort everything out and actually be able to do better at University.

Dyslexia was interesting on how they test you. On the one hand doing that examination was incredibly frustrating, seeing your limitations put right in front of you and shoved in your face… Thats literally how it feels, because they have to find out fully what you need help with. But it is a good thing inevitably as It turns out that I’m a high functioning dyslexic. Which means I get a lot of help concerning that disability.

Aspergers was even more interesting to get diagnosed. I had to delve into my past, and my mum also had to be examined so that they could understand what I was like as a baby in my development and other ways.

I was Diagnosed by Dr Lynne Roper. Something which really interested me was when she once was speaking to me and she confided in me her thoughts on me and my life. The gist of it was that basically she was Amazed that I had achieved so much in my life. That I’d even managed to get into university at all. Considering I have both of these disabilities.

Finally at long last I had both diagnosis… Unfortunately I had them right at the end of the first year. So whilst applying for my needs Assessment at the Indigo Dyslexia Centre, I also applied for Extenuating circumstances at the university.
The Results of which were that basically the university were offering me the chance to come back in January 2012 to take up the course from term 2. They were also offering me this year of education for free. The problem with this initial offer was that it was felt this would be derogative towards my Aspergers Syndrome, So we asked if I could come back at the start of the year to begin with the new class and start on the same level as them, so that it would be easier to make friends. This was accepted and that is how I came to begin year 1 again at NUCA.

The first term was nice and easy for me, I understood generally what was expected of me, and I wasn’t under pressure as I didn’t need to have my first term marked, so I got the work done much better than I normally do, from my opinion at least.

Around November or December, I was speaking with the student support about issues and my support. Where I was finally made aware that the mentoring which had been offered me seemed to them to not be enough, and that I should have at least 5 hours a week with a personal mentor to help me with my work. So contact was made with my assessor about this, as well as asking for some extra equipment so that I could progress better with my uni work.

I have finally met my Mentor, in the first week of the Third Term, Which is not the issue here. The issue is that he wasn’t aware of how the course works, so I have had to in a way mentor him whilst he was mentoring me. So that we’re on the same page. He has also informed me that usually introductions and working together are usually put in place over the summer before the uni begins so that students and mentors can begin to work together properly.

However, considering the problems myself and Joe have faced here. I know that we’ve both done very well together. He has helped me enormously as It means I have someone to talk to and to help me just figure out where I am at and where I need to go with my uni work. Amongst other things which he is there to help me with. It is important that whoever reads this that it is not Joe’s fault in any way. He has done extremely well considering he has never worked with the photography course before.

I would like people to realise though that this is still a stressful and hard thing for me to do. To include a Mentor into my schedule. As I already feel pushed for time enough as it is with uni. They expect someone with Aspergers to be able to run back and forth all over the place and to “Time Manage” and be “Organised”, all I have to say to this is, HELLOOOO I have massive problems with Time Management and organisational skills. Which is written within my reports on Aspergers and Dyslexia, and the Needs assessment. So Expecting me to be able to change my “routine”, which by the way is hard to do with A.S., again mentioned in the reports, which the uni has.

I am fully aware of how negative this sounds, but at what other point can I really explain EVERYTHING, truthfully and so that it is clear what I’m trying to say. So many people keep trying to persuade me to make this all positives. But this hasn’t been a positive year. It’s been hard gruelling and filled with ten tonne of mistakes, which apparently I have to take responsibility for. When I want to point some fingers for once and for people to actually realise that they’ve done wrong, even if it’s because they’re not informed enough. Which is damn annoying going through my entire first year of trials to sort out these reports and the tutors not seeming to fully understand what help I need and where I need that help. Always I am being Directed towards Student support and my Mentor. Support should be given from EVERYONE, from tutors, student support, mentor and whomever else.

Also I have asked for help, on numerous occasions only to be told that I have to fix my communication skills, my organisation skills, my time management skills. All of which are some of the biggest problems I face because of my disability. As I have said before I can not click my fingers and magically be able to do all of this.

To be continued…

1st May 2012

Seriously Struggling right now

Well I am… I’ll explain why later.

I know I’m capable of this damn course… but why does my mind always screw me over, and make things so difficult….

Half considered giving up a few times in the last two weeks. But I won’t, I’ve fought to be here already and I’ll continue to do so.

Nicest thing said to me recently.

“You’re an incredibly competent Photographer. But Your let down by your Written work, This is for a number of reasons, but mostly because we can’t always see what your thought process is.”

I’m paraphrasing so its not exactly what was said. I honestly Can’t remember all of what was said.

I really just want to pass This year, and hope that next year I come back and find myself in a better position and much more able to actually Surpass all expectations.

Currently I’m underachieving… I guess because sometimes it feels like I can’t be creative because I always have to refer to some other idiots style…. but I have to see their idiotic style so I can move forward and create THIS idiots style.

Sometimes Complicating things is so annoying… But I can’t help it or stop myself, It is really hard to be respected by the world when no matter what you do you’ll always work in a completely different way… so different that you’re the only one who gets what you’re doing and everyone else is left baffled, because it isn’t coherent to them…

(sigh)

19th Apr 2012

Michelle Monique Fantasy Photographer

I’ve looked at this before but couldn’t really apply it usefully to my project but this time it will be entirely relevant.

Click Title for Link

19th Apr 2012

Cape

Watch this space

19th Apr 2012

The Ringmaster!

Watch this space for more info soon

22nd Mar 2012

I’m Like my dad.

This isn’t a bad thing, but we both speak rather softly most of the time. I need to speak louder when talking to other people and direct the dictaphone better ha

22nd Mar 2012 | 766 notes

popculturebrain:

Character Posters: Dark Shadows | Coming Soon

Oh god I can’t wait :D Johnny Depp

22nd Mar 2012 | 341 notes

xombiedirge:

Old Yoda by Heri Irawan

Wow this is Amazing

20th Mar 2012

Obsessing over needless…

Obsessing over needless details. Must stop doing this, it is not helpful to obsessively to try and get a research image to look as it does in the book a general photocopy… whether its a little darker is much better time management than being so totally devoted to an ideal which is taking away from the relevance of the task.

Do not Waste time on trivial things.

20th Mar 2012

Portraits - The Evolution of Subject?

I can’t quite think of a set in stone name for this direction of my work. But actually that is a good thing, it is hard to explain exactly what I am trying to do with this.

The Idea is to photograph someone as I see them now, but through research both primary and secondary sources I will be able to see my view of them progressively change throughout.

I intend to combine visual elements, and Interviews to help me build a better picture for myself.

My starting point is simple I’m just going to take a photograph of My subject as I see him now. with current research leaning in and informing me with it. Basically see what happens.

20th Mar 2012

Very personal.

One comment from today, Was that this Reflective Journal is Very personal in some places… I think thats a good thing, I need to constantly update it and I think the more personal posts go towards that. Perhaps I need to deconstruct them a little bit.

They sound sad but in fact they’re just a Passing thought I wanted to get out of my system. I always write how I feel if I want to lock away a feeling or emotion that is bugging me. I feel putting it onto some form of paper as such, removes the need for me to think about it.

I found something very intriguing about my thoughts on Shadows and stones… I will have to go back and try to analyse that somewhat more.

20th Mar 2012 | 1 note

Richard Drury’s Seminar on his Work and practice.

Richard Began his Seminar talking about his own experience as an apprentice and how best to act if you become one. What does an Apprentice do. An Apprentice takes the pressure off the photographer. Be that making coffee or beginning post-production work.

As one you need to roll up your sleeves and get stuck in, doing as much as possible to show your eagerness and your skills. Learning is always half practical hands on and half theory based learning.

Over the last two years I’ve been attempting to research Richards work, My first glimpse of his work was of a Flower. It was a red-ish pink flower with a similar background. The Skill of that particular image was its use of Depth of Feild, how it seamlessly blurs the contours and curves of the flower into the background. It also had such a beautiful lighting.

I have recently found out that Richard shot a series of Flower portraits which used natural lighting to capture such powerful images. To me there is something incredibly beautiful and intense about the images I have seen. Each one uses visual elements which truly show the masterful nature of each image.

One such image shown in the Lecture was a Black rose. Which I’ve asked for a copy of.
I may upload it later and do an analysis of it.

Something I noticed and took away from both Richard and Mikes seminars is simply how both use different skills which I completely Aspire to.

Richard Specifically is his Flower portraits, which completely encapsulate me, I look at them and wish I could make images of the same quality. I aspire to become advanced enough in my skill and technique to be able to make such potent images.

I am considering asking for a few others of the photographs he showed as I really love the way each shows a distinct personality through their individual images.

What I take from this part of the seminar is finding your voice is always a constant. Something which will forever change and always take reference from its past incarnations.

Calum Corby's PDP Reflective Journal

15th May 2012

Summer Months: Project ideas and General Plans

14th May 2012

Research Links, a kind of bibliography

12th May 2012

Five year plan…

12th May 2012

My Evaluative thoughts on this year of University.

1st May 2012

Seriously Struggling right now

19th Apr 2012

Michelle Monique Fantasy Photographer

19th Apr 2012

19th Apr 2012

22nd Mar 2012

I’m Like my dad.

22nd Mar 2012 | 766 notes

22nd Mar 2012 | 341 notes

20th Mar 2012

Obsessing over needless…

20th Mar 2012

Portraits - The Evolution of Subject?

20th Mar 2012

Very personal.

20th Mar 2012 | 1 note

Richard Drury’s Seminar on his Work and practice.